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The Impossible Dream

5/18/2013

6 Comments

 
Picture
A year and a half ago at the Lake County Symphony's rehearsal performance for Christmas, 2011 Carl Stewart, who had recently been diagnosed with cancer, gave a performance that sent chills up my spine. Uncontrollable tears poured down my cheeks as i knew of his recent diagnosis. I had to leave my seat and compose myself in the foyer.

Carl's voice was one of the strongest and powerful voices i have ever heard. On that day at the symphony, he had come back from the edge of death, which is what led to the diagnosis, and put his whole body into Oh Holy Night It was an incredulous performance, to say the least. He did not hold back, as is usually the case at a rehearsal so close to the main performance. But instead, the sweat and shaking that comes from a welling up and explosion of energy from deep in the soul--that place that carries the body beyond its normal performance level--was from where this song belted forth.

From what i could tell every time i saw Carl after that, this was where he lived his life. I don't know if Carl could hold back in anything, though i really didn't know him that well. What i did know is what i saw over the next year and a half as Carl battled strong and hard with cancer. The ebb and flow of his energy and health was a telling story of his determined will to spend the most and most valuable time with his beloved family.

His continued pursuit of excellence in the face of the impossible dream is what i know most of Carl.

As i sat in the audience of this year's Mother's Day symphony rehearsal performance, just days after Carl succumbed to the cancer, i listened teary-eyed to the conductor, John Parkinson, as he shared with us that Carl was rehearsing for this show and was to sing "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha. As the instrumental version followed, played by the orchestra, i reflected on how many people i have known that have died from cancer or were facing it presently. From my grandmother and father, to friends and acquaintances along the way, it is quite many. In fact, i hadn't known anyone that had "survived" cancer, really. They maybe only had come by a temporary reprieve.

As is my want, i play with the micro- and macro-cosmic levels of patterns. My mind wandered to the plight of the planet against some of humanity's incessant greedily consumption--that same consumption that is likened to a cancer to the planet. For those of us that are aware of this bigger picture of the planet being a living organism that has certain "cells" that have gone haywire and consume unabashedly and uncontrollably, we have begun a fight against this cancer and its impact on the planet. But, i wonder if we, too, are fighting an impossible dream?

In any case, i can use my friend Carl Stewart as a good example. It may have been an impossible dream to overcome the cancer that riddled his body, but who was he in response to that circumstance? A fighter, with dignity. A pursuer of excellence with great talent and diligence.

The tears that flowed on that day in Soper Reese Theatre during Carl's performance were in part for a stunning and powerful rendition that touched me to the bones. They were also knowing what lay ahead for Carl, inevitably, as does lay ahead for us all. But mostly, they were for how he was choosing to respond to it--with grace, robustness, and a sturdy and powerful presence. It is a model for me.

The question is, who are we in response to the knowledge that there is a cancer on the planet and it is us? Yes, inevitably, we will all die, including the planet--whether at our hand or through natural processes. In either case, who do we choose to be in response to that knowledge?

One colleague is doing his damnedest to alert the public that the planet is doomed and we need to get off--whilst struggling personally with MS. Me, i'm busy working on creating a healthier local food system and community and helping people into their heart, emotions and mindfulness. A lot of my friends are working on personal empowerment and awakening to the divine self. There is a lot of compassion in each of these responses to what presents itself at this time.

Whatever is on your path to overcome--be it a personal or global situation--the only impossible dream is to overcome the laws of existence. The possible dreams are those that we have power over--our responses. May you find the strength and vigor to face these obstacles with the grace, certainty and dignity that my friend Carl Stewart did. He was a beautiful site to behold and continues to inspire many.



6 Comments
steven shapiro
7/3/2013 01:42:28 pm

This post, has me remembering the many friends with health crises, cancer or not. My mother, recently "passed away" from lung cancer and alzheimers.

The last part of that story, follows:

A week in the Life of Ruth and her family

In the days before Ruth died in her sleep & especially the few days afterwards, Sandy and I began to collaborate on creating a sacred ceremony to mark the passing of our mother, Ruth. We discussed the form and structure and then allowed ourselves to receive and then choose the words and content.

The ceremony took place at The Star of David Funeral Home, in North Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

When we arrived at the funeral chapel, we were invited to view her body. She was in a simple, plain pine casket that was open to show her from the neck up. Though her spirit was clearly not associated with her body anymore, I covered the casket with a beautiful multi-colored prayer shawl—treating it with love and respect. Something similar to this:


It warmed up her appearance and allowed us to relate to her and the occasion with tenderness and with beauty. After anyone, who wanted to, came up to the casket, the services began.
I took off my shoes and went up to the casket, where my mother’s body was laid to rest and with my back to everyone, picked up the “Yiskah” candle and waved it around her body, in big sweeping circular movements. --Silently invoking The Divine and Only One, “The Holy”.

I returned to the podium and welcomed everyone. I began with a reading by Tagore, which I had found a few days before. (The actual sequence of readings may have been a little different.)

Let it not be death but completeness
Let Love melt into memory and pain into songs
Let the flight through the sky end in the folding of the wings over the nest
Let the last touch of your hands be gentle, like the flower of the night.
Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment,
And say your last words in Silence.
I bow down to you and hold my lamp to light you on your way.

At some point, I also read this poem, by Keats:
Darkling, I listen
For many a time
I have been half in Love with easeful death
Called soft names in many a mused rhyme
To take into the air
My quiet breath
Now, more than ever, it seems rich to die
To cease upon the midnight, with no pain
While Thou Art pouring this souls abroad, in such ecstasy.

Then looking down first and the up to everyone, I spoke of the Navaho tradition that sings at every healing. So I sang these words, open throated:

“Boruch, Atah, Adonoi, Eloheynu Melech Ho’olom, Borai Ruth Shapiro”
“Boruch, Atah, Adonoi, Eloheynu Melech Ho’olom, Borai Ruth Shapiro”
“Boruch, Atah, Adonoi, Eloheynu Melech Ho’olom, Borai Ruth Shapiro”


I then told the story of the prayer shawl. I had purchased it 1 day before my mother died to use in the ceremony, somehow. Then 5 or 6 hours after she passed away, I took it and brought it to our Ashram. I offered it in prayer and meditation to the various holy sites that are part of the Ashram. This was part of the continuing preparation for and participation in her death process. The days before, I put her picture on my meditation and prayer altar.


When I placed her photo on the altar, adjacent to my Symbol of The Divine Presence, my hands rose up and energetically guided her picture and Bhagavan together. (What I didn’t say then, but which I add now, is the feeling of Light that descended into my head, as I did this. And all the tears come forth. These were better tears than the ones that came every day for the three weeks prior to her passing…tears of grief and loss and worry.)

And then I told the story of the first few hours after Ruth died. Joni (my sister) called me, as arranged, immediately after, the nurse woke her to tell Joni the news. I went to my altar and spoke to my mother & read to her of many things. First, I recited this passage, written by Adi Da Samraj:

Be Drawn and Attracted Upwards
There is a strong Attractive Force felt upwards. Let yourself feel That Force.
There is also an Upward-Moving Sound and be Moved by That.
There is also a profound Bliss.
Let yourself be Attracted Upward by that Feeling of Bliss.
Eventually, you will see the Attractive Light Above, The Brilliant White Light.
Hold to the Center, hold to the Upward Attraction.
Let go of everything.
Relinquish everything.
Allow yourself to be Attracted and Drawn—straight, like an arrow—into That White “Brightness”, that Bliss, That Vibratory Force, (or Sound).
Allow all sense of separateness and otherness to be Dissolved Above, in the Unconditional Force of Being Itself, the Divine Self-Domain.

I repeated these words often during those two hours after I heard the news. I also spoke the names of her husband, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, speaking of how we all loved her, that we all felt loved by her and that we would all be okay.

Reply
JoAnn Saccato link
7/4/2013 11:36:13 am

Thank you for sharing this wonderful and powerful experience about your mother's passing, Steven! I was particularly moved by Tagore's:

"Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment,
And say your last words in Silence.
I bow down to you and hold my lamp to light you on your way."

and Adi Da's

"Be Drawn and Attracted Upwards
There is a strong Attractive Force felt upwards. Let yourself feel That Force.
There is also an Upward-Moving Sound and be Moved by That.
There is also a profound Bliss."

Tagore has entered my life on just the right occasion before--always poignant and on point!

I share Shyla's passing in the book and i, too, experienced that profound release of tears you speak of:

"And all the tears come forth. These were better tears than the ones that came every day for the three weeks prior to her passing…tears of grief and loss and worry.)"

The tears that flowed at the moment of her passing were tears of deep gratitude to have been so blessed with being present with her passing. I received the gift of her life, and then the gift of her passing. Unspeakable incredulity!

Reply
steven shapiro
7/4/2013 03:38:01 pm

Thank you for tour feeling response, Joanne.

The rest of the "story" that was omitted by mistake is next:

And I told her something of what to expect during this next period of time and having been through a “near-death” experience, I knew these things to be true.

And all the while, I remembered the time, about a year and a half ago. I was bringing her into the house, back from the hospital and biopsy. She passed out, seemed to be dying in my arms, only to revived by CPR, mouth to mouth. And I remembered how I spent much of those next few days, while dad was giving her energy, trying his best to get his beloved up and strong again. While he took that course, I spent time, by her side, lying down next to her and telling and feeling to her that, “There is nothing to be afraid of.” At one point, mom allowed herself to feel all the way and she spoke of seeing God”. From then on, even while watching her suffer, and suffering with her, I was not worried about her passing.
People have come up to me and said, “I’m so sorry.” I spoke, “I’m sorry to, but I am so glad she has passed on and ended the suffering.

These past few years were years when Joni and Sandy and I spoke many times together, trying to do whatever we could think of from far away, to help. Whenever we spoke, in the middle of our three way calls, was the picture of Ruth and Red, mom and dad. Our loving collaboration these past few years was wonderful, even with all the sadness and the feeling of being unable to make things “Right”.

I finished my part of the ceremony with two readings.

Excerpt from “The Heart of Understanding”, by Adi Da Samraj:
The Heart is Real understanding. The Heart is Real Consciousness and Real Life. The Heart is What Merely and Only Is, but Which Is also Appearing in and Behind the conditions of mortal life and its death. Therefore, it is said of old, The One That Is, Is neither born, nor come to death, not Alive merely as the limitations of form (itself), not Itself (or Entirely) Rendered in what appears, and yet, It Is the Living One, than Which there is no lesser other (and no Great or Greater Other), Appearing As all of this Play of changes, but Eternally One, Unchanging, and Free.
There Is Only Knowledge and Enjoyment of the Heart, moment to moment, through the instant of all conditions of appearance and disappearance. Of This I Am Perfectly Certain. I Am That.

And finally from Dylan Thomas:
Our mouths close here,
And with a shout of joy,
Immediately open there….

Reply
JoAnn Saccato
7/4/2013 03:45:25 pm

Wow Steven. Thank you for sharing this! Love the final words.

Reply
Sir Glenneth link
8/7/2013 08:48:52 pm

WOW... Joanne ... your writing on Carl is really BEAUTIFUL. I knew Carl more in his capacity as administrator & teacher w/ high risk kids. I hadn't know as much of his music.
THANX, Glenneth

Reply
JoAnn Saccato
8/11/2013 01:30:45 pm

Thank you Glenneth. I found out so many amazing things about Carl at his celebration of life. Sure wished I would have taken more time to get to know the full Carl! What an amazing man. :-)

Reply



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    JoAnn Saccato, MA is an author, mindfulness teacher, educator, and consultant in Northern California. She helps her clients and community discover many ways to create the conditions and apply simple tools to companion themselves on a sacred journey, bringing more groundedness, acceptance, clarity, joy, authenticity and values-based responses to life.

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